I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
