he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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