They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
