he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
