I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He has the fingertips of a God
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