You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
