I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize