weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
