Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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