Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
