I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize