Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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