Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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