I cannot find my penis.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
