my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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