I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
