i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
