Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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