I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize