i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
