I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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