Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
