Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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