i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
