Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
