i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize