Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
