I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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