i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
