pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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