I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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