My underwear smells like fireworks.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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