I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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