Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So much Jack, so little girl.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
