The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
