She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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