Moan for me like Helen Keller
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
