Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
