Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
