I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
