he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
