Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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