just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
