im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
