pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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