i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize