So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
