I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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