I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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