in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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