you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
