I met the friendliest cop last night
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize