He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
