dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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