I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
