Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
