I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
