Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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