apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
